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Funniest Joke Ever?!
New Humor Every Week | |
- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk
Name : pitdroid2
** what eighties toys think of their new age counterparts:voltron: kicking himself in the ass everyday for inspiring the power rangers, all 30 shows.
thundercats: pissed at how quickly and quietly they fell off the cultural radar.
g.i joe: very dissapointed in the 'extreme show, but regaining their faith in humanity over the re-releases.
transformers: mixed, they got new shows and all but megatron keeps griping about losing the friggin gun transformation.
smurfs: abandoned by all the little brats who made them famous, they silently plot their revenge.
the silver hawks, dino riders, ghost busters, and m.a.s.k members still cry themselves to sleep everynight.
Items Posted Before 4/27/01
AFTIMES NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your absence.YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:Item Amount
- Gross pay $1,212.02
- Income tax $244.40
- Outgo tax $45.21
- State tax $11.61
- Interstate tax $61.10
- County tax $6.11
- City tax $12.22
- Rural tax $4.44
- Back tax $1.91
- Front tax $1.16
- Side tax $1.61
- Up tax $2.24
- Tic-Tacs $2.98
- Thumbtacks $3.93
- Carpet tacks $1.98
- Stadium tax $2.69
- Flat tax $8.32
- Surtax $3.46
- Corporate tax $2.60
- Parking fee $7.00
- FICA $81.88
- TGIF Fund $9.95
- Life insurance $7.85
- Health insurance $17.23
- Dental insurance $5.50
- Mental insurance $5.33
- Disability $3.50
- Ability $1.25
- Liability $3.41
- Unreliability $10.99
- Coffee $16.85
- Coffee Cups $66.51
- Floor rental $16.85
- Chair rental $1.32
- Desk rental $14.32
- Union dues $25.85
- Union don'ts $3.77
- Cash advance $0.69
- Cash retreats $121.35
- Overtime $1.26
- Undertime $54.83
- Eastern time $9.00
- Central time $8.00
- Mountain time $7.00
- Pacific time $6.00
- Time Out $12.21
- Oxygen $10.02
- Water $16.54
- Heat $51.42
- Cool air $26.83
- Hot air $28.13
- Miscellaneous $113.29
- Sundry $14.09
- Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $6.02
Please note: The previous amounts do not include any deductions for idle gossip or daydreaming. These will be removed on a monthly basis
Thank you for your loyalty to Action Figure Times. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
NEW WORDS FOR THE 2000's
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located: "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
ADMINISHPERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character: "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SALMON DAY- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
name : Screaming Viking!
Coming soon from McFarlane toys will be a line based on that B-movie classic, Plan 9 From Outer Space! The line includes:
Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson)- with cardboard tombstones
Vampiria- with hubcap flying saucers
Officer Kelton- with scenery that changes from day to night and back
Old Man zombie- with cloth covering his face
Eros (the alien leader) and flunkies -with a voicechip that says "You people of Earth are stupid,I say! Stupid!"
Amazing Criswell- with voicechip that says "Future events such as these will affect how we live the rest of our lives." I
f this line is successful,other Ed Wood classics like Bride of the Atom and Glen or Glenda might be made,and let's hope so,becuase don't you want a Bela Lugosi figure that says "He's as harmless as a kitchen" and "PULL THE STRING!" ?
name : Overlordnow that HASBRO is bringing the 3 3\4 inch JOES back this fall,here are the top ten things we'll probably see happen to the GIJOE TEAM in 2000.
10:S NAKE EYES will have a comm tech chip just like the STAR WARS guys.you won't hear anything but no ones listens to those comm techs anyway.
9: all JOES will carry blasters and STORM SHADOW will have a light sabre.
8:p ackages will say GIJOE :EPISODE 1 THE COBRA MENACE.
7:a new subset will be added. say hello to the the new group POKE`MARINES!
6: COBRA'S B.A.T.S unit will just be all those EPISODE 1 battle droids repainted .[finally they can sell all those dumb robots!].
5: SNAKE EYE'S wolf TIMBER will be replaced by a cute little droid called TMBR -D2.
4: BATTLE FORCE 2000 will now be refered to as THE YESTERDAY'S MODEL LEAGUE.
3: DESTRO will make a killing selling weapons to COBRA ,THE REBEL ALLIANCE, AND THE EMPIRE.
2: SCARLET will start wearing her hair up in 2 round braids [hey, it worked for CARRIE FISHER!]
...and the number one thing we'll see happen to the 3 3\4 inch GIJOE TEAM in 2000,
1: meet our new member, DUKE SKYWALKER!
name: = joeTop 10 rumors about the next star wars movie:
1.anakin and queen amidalia, getting-it-ooooonnnn
2.darth maul gets a mini-him
3.emperor..i mean senator palpatine's identity is revealed
4.there will be enough background characters to create at least a hundred little known novels
5.the new three bladed lightsaber!
6.there will be subtitles, because its in japanese
7.every single living midget will hired to be in the film
8.kenner will build its own stores, housing only star wars toys
9.anakin developes aesthma
10.jar jar binks stars in a short, before the movie entitled "why dont people like me?"
name: =bryan s. coeComing soon from McFarlane toys is the Legendary Filmmakers toy line! The line-up is as follows:
George Lucas- With wads of cash,real flannel cloth shirt and a burning Star Wars Holiday Special print reel
Steven Speilberg-with removeable baseball cap and a few Oscars
Alfred Hitchcock-with "Good Eve-en-ing" voice chip
Kevin Smith-With loads of comics
Bryan Singer-with loads of hypocondriac drugs and X-Men comics
Joel Schumacker-with pink feather boa and "I ruined Batman!" expression
Tim Burton-with "My films is creepy" lookname : Overlord
Title: The original battle sequence of Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode 1
What George Lucas didn't want you to see
Scene: Qui-Gon has just been run through with the double bladed lightsaber. Obi Wan activates his lightsaber and runs at Maul
Obi Wan: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! In the name of the almighty Yoda, I'll kill your dark jedi a$$
Maul: What the he- Hey! That wasn't in the script!
Obi Wan: It is now, feces of Darth Sidious eater!
Maul: What?! How dare you insult Ray! Ray, will make you pay, listen to what I say!
Obi Wan: Hey, great, maybe I'll go sit in the starship bay, make things out of Endorian clay, eat some Bantha Hay?! I just may, whaddya say Ray!
Maul: If you think you can destroy the likes of I, you are most incorrect
Obi Wan: Oh really? If I kill you, I'd be doing the world of Earth a favor. Just like I will also kill that Anakin kid. He WILL NOT be trained as a freakin' Jedi!
Maul: What? You want to kill the child? Then you are like I
Maul begins to stare into Obi Wan's eyes
Obi Wan: Oooooh No! Don't try any of that Sith hypnosis on me, mmmkay
name: = TiMmY!!!!!!!!
The Original Ending of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Scene: After all credits have run, we see the long tunnel that Darth Maul tumbled down. Only, he is still alive, hanging onto a pipe with his teeth.
Maul: (muffled) Hello? Is anyone up there? I'm still alive, I'm just very badly injured. I need assistance. Hello? I have been cleaved in two and am hanging onto a pipe by my teeth. My gums are beginning to hurt, so could someone please help me?
(Absolute Silence)
Maul: Excuse me, but I am really hurt and I need assistance. Can someone call my master, Lord Sidious. If you could, I would be most grateful.
(Silence still. Maul begins to become angry.)
Maul: I know you're up there! I know you can hear. If you don't call my master at once, you will be in big doodoo! Mmmm hmmmm, big doodoo.
(Silence)
Maul: Fine! Be that way. Don't assist me. But by the name of all that is evil, when I get up there, I'll bit your damn legs off! MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA-
(Maul forgets that laughing evily is a good idea in his situation, looses his grip on the pipe, and tumbles down the tunnel.)
Maul: Awwww Damn!
name: = Craig
TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE NEXT STAR WARS FILM ISN'T COMING OUT UNITL 2004.
10. George Lucas likes making us go crazy waiting
9.new cast of 15,000 background characters made animators go insane
8.someone mentioned adding pokemon characters in, entire production crew left
7.lucas was lying when he said he had the second one written
6.they're giving kenner a headstart on the toys
5.producer's block
4.no rumors yet about darth mauls return, fan interest dwindling
3.largest editing process in human history
2.every theater on earth preparing for it with rental tents outside theaters1.because lucas likes to see us squirm.
name: = bryan s. coe
This is a list of the titles of future movie sequels:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Episode III: The Oompa Loompas Strike Back. (poster phrase): "Oompa Loompa doopity dee. You are not wise if you do not pay me. Oompa Loompa doopit doo. If you don't pay up, I'll castrate you."
Mighty Ducks 4-Charlies Wedding Night.: (poster phrase) : "He shoots, he Scores...."
Big Momma: (poster phrase): KFC called. Look who answered!
Lost In Space 2: When are we gonna get home?: (poster phrase): Will Robinson. I have a joke for you. Is that a jogulation de-flaggurator, or are you just glad to see me. HA...HA...HA...HA...HA"
An American Werewolf in America: (poster phrase): "This time, he's marking his own territory...."
Lethal Weapon 5: (poster phrase) "Ok. I'm serious now. I'm really getting too old for this s***. It ain't funny no more. You see the gray hair!"
Homeward Bound 3: Chance crosses the freeway:(poster phrase): "He's not coming home this time...."
Shakespeare in Divorce Court: (poster phrase): "Gwen said 'Goodbye', he said 'Oh My!'
Die Hard with a shot of Maalox: (poster phrase): "John McClane isn't having headaches anymore..."
Child's Play 5: (poster phrase): "Chucky's got a kid. Chucky, ain't lucky."
Grumpiest Old Men: (poster phrase): "Where's my woman you putz! She's twenty minutes late for my sponge bath."
Rules of Engagement 2: The Proposal: (poster phrase): "Do NOT tell her it's a cubit zirconia!"
South Park 2: Even Bigger, Even longer, and uncut: (poster phrase) "This time, it's the Frenchies...You suck Pip"
name: = Nagga Nagga
name: = Evil Petting ZooTOP Five LIST
Top Five Names For Star Wars Episode 25. Anikin gets lucky
4. Amidala does Andromida
3. The Money Pit
2. Lucus' folly
1. STAR WARS EPISODE 2 : ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
name: = RavenToy Biz, ever the trendsetters, has decided to begin a new line of direct-market action figures based on comic book creators. Each creator has some history with Marvel comics.
WAVE ONE
Stan Lee - comes with EXCELSIOR! voice chip and removeable perscription sunglasses.
Chris Claremont - with pie-eating action and free (unsold) copy of Wolverine #125
Jack Kirby - with "dynamic King Kirby pose" action and small, real pine box.
John Byrne - with attatchable "ego" armor (not the Living Planet, but his actual ego)WAVE TWO (WRITERS)
Scott Lobdell - with interchangeable Hawaiian shirts
Erik Larsen - with real rooted three-hair combover
Joe Casey/Joe Kelly Two-Pack - With interchangeable heads showing various stages of happy insanity and severence paychecks for Cable and X-Men, respectivelyWAVE THREE (ARTISTS)
Joe Maduriera - with certificate guaranteeing a reserved copy of the next issue of Battle Chasers...should it come out within the holder's lifetime.
Jim Lee - with non-removeable baseball hat and big fat paycheck from DC/Wildstorm merger. (Kenner later catches wind, and all unsold figures are recalled. Highly valued figure.)
Rob Liefeld - with whining sound chip. Limited editions are packaged with Cable version one.
Todd McFarlane - packaged with Spider-Man from flip trap line and set of balls (later recalled, McFarlane toys caught wind - same deal as Lee figure)
name: = DarthnessTop ten titles for the next Pokemon movie: 10. Pokemon-Pikacu puts the smackdown on Ash
9. Pokemon-More badly dubbed anime
8. Pokemon-We want more money!
7. Pokemon Holocaust
6. Pokemon-Corruptor of Youth
5. Pokemon-That Team Rocket chick wears a bit of a short skirt,don't she?
4. Pokemon meets the flesh-eating virus
3. Pokemon + Midnight Express= ?
2. Pokemon 2: Electric Boogaloo
1. Pokemon The Final MovieI don't really like Pokemon that much,can you tell?
name: = Overlord
LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke has been revealed!
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humour, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favourite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favoured jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
"A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"
The survey revealed other fun facts:
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